Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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