Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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