I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
