he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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