You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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