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i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
