i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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