Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
