marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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