i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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