I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
