I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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