i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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