I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
