That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
