Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
