I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
