He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
