Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
