Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
