you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
