also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
