i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
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