I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
