Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
