he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
