I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
