We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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