First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
