I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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