Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
