I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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