The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
