I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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