sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
