stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
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But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
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You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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