i permit you to call me
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
