if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
