im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
