Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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