Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
