if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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