Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
