I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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