He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
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We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
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I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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