the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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