so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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