just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
