She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
