After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
