Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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