birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
