If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
