Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
