Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
