I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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