The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
