I think I won the penis lottery.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
